Trying to come back to myself

It has been long hard days for me this last week. I have cried half of every day and slept the other half. Jason made me go out on Valentines Day. My mom took Gage after his basketball game on Friday so it was just Jason and I. Luckily he was off this weekend. We went and ate then we watched two movies at the theater. One just wasn't enough for Jason. It was nice to get out for awhile. My mind has been running 90 miles an hour and doesn't ever seem to stop unless I am asleep so to get out and not think was a treat! We are also going to Florida for spring break and we booked our flights and hotel. We really need to be saving every penny we can at this point but we felt like we all needed a vacation. I am looking forward to relaxing with my family. I think it will be good for us even if we are stealing money from the baby fund. We might regret it after we go to the doctor and we hear prices! Gage didn't have school today so I have a few boys from down the street running in and out of my house! Our little basketball star hasn't had anything on his mind but basketball! He loves playing and I hate it that his season is almost over. Soccer is starting after basketball so he will still be busy. We don't really tell him much about what is going on but he knows it's all about trying to have another baby. Even though he doesn't understand he still tells me he is sorry all the time, and I can tell he is sincere. That touches my heart in ways I never thought possible. He is perfectly happy at this time being an only child but that is what hurts me the most. I want him to have someone to grow up with and share his childhood memories with. I come from such a big family and I know how much it means to have people there for you no matter what. I couldn't imagine going through life without all the support I have with my family. We are not in any different of a situation than we were before so I am not sure why it hurts so much more right now. Maybe the fact that the doctor tells me there is no point in trying for one that is mine or maybe it is knowing that there is a very good chance I will not have another child that I can see my physical traits in. All of that won't matter whenever we do finally have a baby to hold and love everyday. I tell myself that over and over. Cindy, at this point you have given me so much hope. I see how happy all of you are and I know there will be a happy ending to all the pain we are going through. I just hope that someone going through the same kind of situation can look up to us even if it is years from now. My mom told me with one of my miscarriages that we go through hard situations like this so we can help others go through the same or similar situations. I know that everything we go through is just another step to what we want and that helps me get through every hurt I have. We have really had so much support this time. I have gotten a lot of phone calls (even though I haven't called anybody back yet), cards, and numerous e-mails or messages. It really means a lot to me and I know I am not alone. Sometimes I just sit and read all the messages over and over and it helps me. So even though I have kept to myself I really do appreciate everyone. We went through a couple of years and cycles that we didn't tell anyone and I can say now that when people know what you are going through something hard it is much easier. Prayers and support get you through so much. The bible says to be thankful for everything, every situation and I am very thankful for our situation for many reasons. If I do ever get to experience morning sickness again, I will be so happy every time I have to run to the bathroom. Something I was not thankful for with Gage. I think it has brought Jason and I closer emotionally. We have gotten to see things that a lot of people don't, like what your little embryos look like the first days after conception. I could keep going but I won't. I think everyone gets my point. There is nowhere to go but forward at this point and that is what we are going to do. I couldn't help but be mad about everything we have done and being left with nothing but more heartache. We have given so much, laid so much on the table. So many emotions and so much money but now that I have calmed down, I can't imagine spending money on anything else for the past years. I can't imagine not trying and I am thankful for everything we have gone through at this point. My doctor called today and said they are talking to our insurance company for us, which if you have ever had to deal with insurance you know this is a great deal of help. They are figuring everything out so we don't have to. What they will and will not cover with donor stuff and anything else they can think of. That way when we go in on the 27th we will already know how much money we are going to need for anything that we want to do. Anyway, I know it was a long post and if you actually made your way to the bottom of it all, you just wasted 20 minutes of your day!! hahaha Writing is suppose to help and it has for me.