Just.... Today

We just now got back from Lubbock, long day! My friend, Emily picked Gage up from school so we didn't have to rush home. She has done a lot for us through all of this and I am so thankful for her and all her help! We didn't rush home. My levels were quite a bit lower today, which only means one thing... miscarriage. They will check in a couple of weeks to make sure all the pregnancy hormone is out of the blood. I am heartbroken. I know time will heal. My doctor had a long talk with us. Her and the embryologist had a meeting about all of our cases. My eggs are not at all healthy and never will be. The quality is dropping every year. She pretty much told us that there is a VERY SLIM (don't even want to type the %) chance that I will be able to have another child that is biologically mine, with or without treatment. To hear you are having a miscarriage and that you will not be able to have any more children all in the same day is, well it's ALOT! I couldn't hardly breath! Several hours after hearing that come our of the doctors mouth, I started to realize that it didn't really matter to me if the baby is genetically mine or not. When I get my hands on a child... it's mine! She told us that IVF should no longer be an option for us, which I wouldn't do it any more anyway. She said that she never dreamed that she would be having this conversation with someone my age but as heartbreaking as it was her and us, it is reality. She gave us a few option to think about and we will. Options where I could still carry the baby. Getting donor eggs, having siblings or friends donate eggs and still having Jason as the father, or just donor embryos. Which we have already discussed all this before because we really didn't know about this last treatment cycle. We are totally open to anything she wants to tell us at this point. We are going back to talk about all the expenses and how everything works, week after next. If you use donated eggs, guess what, they are no where near free. They are very expensive. If a family member/friend donates you pay just like as if it where you going through treatment. We will find all that out but for now I will be sad for the loss and try to find my way through it, again. Just with a little extra baggage this time........


I just can't even describe how blessed I feel to have Gage. Not to mention my husband, who has been amazing with me. I know he hurts too but he always puts me first. I would be a total nut case if it wasn't for them and I am truly thankful. It took a lot for me to write and even though I cried the entire time, I feel better, for now