I'm Back!!

Today was the tragedy in Ft. Hood and hit very close to home for my family. My brother was working on base there today. He has made it home safely, Thank the good Lord!!! My heart aches for everyone involved today.


This last cycle took myself away from me. I was very depressed. It has been so hard for me but I think that I am finally coming back out of my shell. I started to question who I was as a person. I felt hopeless, lost, confused. I dreaded mornings and sunlight. By the grace of God(I really mean that) I woke one morning, took a deep breath and told myself I was going to change my attitude. I hated myself for so many things, I will get to those later, but I decided that day that I am only human and I was leaving everything behind me. Very few people have been through what we have been through. So many couples stop trying after one or two cycles of IVF. I try really hard to justify my actions, and this is my number one reason!! Not that one excuse is better than another. I am trying my very best to change the way I handle things but sometimes infertility gets the best of me. I couldn't make myself go to Gage's birthday party. I was devastated that he was turning a year older. I don't expect anyone to understand my feelings about the whole thing but I will say that I cried uncontrollably. After a family talk with all three of us we decided that me staying home was the best thing. We had another party on his actual birthday and I celebrated with him on that day. I walked around for days telling myself how horrible of a person I was. I started to feel extremely selfish. When I came to my senses that one wonderful morning, I told myself that I was not ever going to let my emotions get in the way of being there for others. It only lasted so long though. I couldn't go to the hospital when my nephew was born. I wanted to so badly. I was so excited but for some reason being at the hospital with all the new born babies makes me feel unworthy of the most wonderful blessing. Again, I am only human and I have forgiven myself for those things. I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy and rather anyone believes me or not, I am so thankful when babies are born. I say special prayers for women when I find out they are pregnant, just thanking God for them and the baby. I know more than anyone how much it takes for a woman to get pregnant. I just thank God that we have people that support us no matter what our decisions are. Most people have great empathy and I am truly grateful for that. Jason and I have lost so many precious embryos. 72 potential babies. 72! Some survived hours, some survived days and some survived weeks. I grieve for these embryos every single day. They are hard loses for me to understand, all 72 of them. So many things have to perfect for embryos to be develop into healthy babies. I truly believe that every single person that is here, is a blessing from God. You, me, parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, nieces, nephews, friends and even that creep down the street are all here by the grace of God. I have made great improvements in the last several months and I am so proud of myself. I have talked to many different women, mainly to make myself a little more normal but also for research, asking about actions before, during and after infertility. Come to find out, I am very normal!! I talked to a lady that hasn't held a baby in almost 10 years. She said if they can't walk she can't hold them. Another said she couldn't go to her best friends house because she has 5 children. All of us that suffer through infertility know how painful these things are and understand the actions. People that have not been through it would never completely understand.
We have had several doctors appointments in the last couple of months. Our doctor convinced us to try new testing. Which at this point what do we have to loose? She told us that there has only been one other patient of hers that had been through as much as we have and didn't have success. She went through this testing and gave birth to twins. She said we were defiantly one of her hardest cases. She also said that she really wanted to help us in anyway possible but we were coming down to the point that we are going to have to think really hard about not continuing with any other treatment. We decided that there was no harm in trying this "new" thing she was talking about. I'm not going to go into much detail but patients have to qualify(which we do) and it will be done in Illinois. We will not know anything for several months but like I said before, we have nothing to loose. If this all comes out negative, she told us to think about adoption or surrogacy. Which we already made all of our decisions about those things. If this is the problem the solution is easy! Wouldn't that be crazy!! God has been my true anti-depressant the last couple of months and I couldn't imagine going through anything without being a christian. I feel like I have been chosen to go through these things for a reason and God has special plans for Jason and I. Thank you Lord!