Where to go from here?

Well, it has been a couple of days now and I am starting to think about what we are going to do next. I first have to "get over" a few things before I really decide what our next step is going to be. First of all, I am heartbroken that I will not be giving birth to my own child. All of the options that we have don't include me caring the baby. I know this is something that will not matter at all when I am holding my baby but right at the moment, it really hurts. I have had to face a lot of things over the past 7 years. I knew after a year that getting pregnant wasn't going to be easy and we were going to need help. Something I never dreamed about. Then I had to face the fact that I wouldn't have any more children that were biologically mine. Now I seem to be facing another hard yet satisfying step. Satisfying? You might ask. Yep satisfying. I know that every painful step I go through is getting me closer to holding and loving my child. I have gotten through a lot and I know this is getting me one step closer. Hopefully closer than I think. I also need to work on my anger. I am mad. I don't know who or what I am mad at but I am mad. I just feel it in my chest sometimes and have to do some deep breathing to ease the tension. I am tired of feeling the same pain, only greater pain every year and I would do anything to make it stop. The best part of that is, I know I have a ton of people around me that would do anything to make it stop too. I wrote a thing awhile back about fortune in my misfortune, and that is proven to me everyday. I can't believe the amazing support that we have. I can't believe the sisters that I have and the things they do for us. I am truly blessed to have so many sister's, with such beautiful eggs, that care so much and offer to do whatever they can to make our dreams come true. When we hurt, our family and friends hurt. I am so thankful we had my sister through this last cycle to give us the wonderful chance that she did. It took a lot from her and her family and we are so grateful, down to the bottom of our hearts.

This cycle hit me really hard. Every cycle that we go through gets harder and harder to accept but this one was even more painful than I could have imagined. Maybe because we have completely drained our savings and have no more money to do anything else anytime soon or maybe it was just because this was our SIXTH cycle and something should have worked by now!! We have spent all of our money and all we bought ourselves is heartache. Everything with this cycle was perfect and I think that makes accepting the fact that it didn't work harder. Truth be told, we have so many option right now. We just need direction more than anything. I prayed and prayed that if using my sister wasn't going to work, for God to help us say no to the cycle. But it was the complete opposite. Everything told us to do it. I know there is a reason for us going through it, I just have no clue what it is. I am not suppose to know, I need to just trust God that there was a reason. I am going to be sad for a little while and then I am going to figure out what to do from here. I won't stop trying until I am loving another child. We want that more than anything and nothing will stop us. Even if we have to save money for twenty years, we will do it. We have our youth on our side. Just because we have so many options and we are both young doesn't take the pain away but it does give us a lot of chances. We will be taking full advantage of that. We are suppose to go back to my doctor this month to talk to her about what we can do but I know I will not be able to handle another IVF, even if it isn't my eggs. She can help us in other ways though. We have thought about fostering and adoption. My sister is also not giving up, so we have so much to think about. Actually, we have more than one sister offering to do anything for us. We are very lucky to have those options. Please just pray for our patience and for God to guide us in the right direction. We are very confused. I am trusting in God and his timing even if it is hard for me