Fortune In My Misfortune

Well we had Gage's last game. We figured out that he was averaging 14 points a game! He loves to play any sport but basketball is his favorite! He starts soccer next week so he will still have something to play. He was also chosen for the advanced program at school. They picked 10 kids out of 250. Quite an accomplishment!! Here is a few pictures of his game.




I haven't written mainly because I am afraid of what I might say.
I am going to keep a lot to myself at this point. Maybe later I will let more emotion out.

We went to the doctor on Friday. They checked my blood and all of the pregnancy hormone was back to 0 but my insulin was off. They put me on a medicine to control my insulin levels. The only chance of me being able to carry a baby is with donor eggs or embryos, so in my mind I needed to figure out what we needed to do this. They put us in a counseling room and while we were waiting, my eyes just kept feeling up with tears. I just kept thinking about how unfair all this was and how in the world are we suppose to decide on what to do from here. It hit me at that point what was really going on. I have been delirious for a couple of days. I hadn't really gotten over the last cycle being a failure. I hadn't thought much about what was going to happen next and the fact that it wasn't going to happen with my eggs. I looked over at Jason and he is just staring straight down at the table in front of us. I felt so bad that my defective body was putting him through all of this. He is suffering from it too. I felt so incapable. Before my brain could continue she came in. There was a few questions that she answered that I didn't have a clue about. There is a lot about using donor eggs that we would have never thought about. We have to have a lawyer, which I didn't really think about before. We will pick a donor and she will go through a cycle and we will be able to keep all the eggs that she produces. If we want to freeze extra ones we are able to. When you use a donor, it is quite a bit more expensive than actually going through it yourself. You have to pay for everything they go through and then you compensate them for what they have done. Usually you pay them any where from $2,000-$5,000 and that is on top of paying for all their visits, medicine and the retrieval. She said the cost was $18,000-$20,000 for a donor. It cost about $14,000 for me to go through. We have hundreds of women to choose from. She gave us a few examples to look at. We get to know pretty much everything about them except for their names and any contact information. They go through a very long evaluation. We will know the heights, hair color, eye color, all physical features, careers, medical history, pretty much anything you can think of about the kids they have now all the way up to their great grandparents! They ask them all kinds of questions. Favorite movie, hobbies, favorite sport, and musical talents. We went over using a family member. The pros and cons to using a family member verses a donor. The cost is the same as if I went through it. We are very lucky and blessed to have a willing family member. I feel so humble to the fact that I have someone that would do that for us. Our insurance is so awesome! She said that she had never ever seen insurance like ours. They don't pay for everything but for them to actually help us with a donor is HUGE!! We also would be able to adopt embryos. You go through all the same notions of actually adopting a baby. They do home evaluations and all the paper work is as if it is a baby. The only thing is it is about $8,000 for ONE embryo and then we will pay legal fees. Which is way cheaper than actually adopting a baby but there is the uncertainty of actually getting pregnant. We were at the office for about 2 hours and our doctor walked out of the room for a minute. I looked over and my husband sat beside me with more hope than I have ever had. He had a huge smile on his face. I just looked at him and I felt so lucky to have him in my life. She told him that he was very devoting and she really appreciated that from him. She said she has many women that come in there all by themselves and to see him there every time was refreshing. I am so thankful for him and everything he does. I just thought about the help with our insurance(even though it isn't much), actually having a family member that was willing and able to donate, my wonderful husband and I just felt so much joy. I am so lucky to have all the fortune in my misfortune. We have a huge decision to make and I have no clue what is going to happen. I am VERY VERY confused. All I know is that being infertile takes every penny that you have, all your patience, emotions and it is just a huge gamble. I am baffled at how much they can do now. I feel so fortunate that I have the opportunities that I do but at the same time feel so hapless. If money was no object this would be way more fun and not so hard. Whenever we figure out what we are going to do and we have enough money we will be on the way to making our future!