April 2010

Jason and I have decided to use a surrogate. We have a few things that we have to decide but we know for sure this is our next attempt to having a baby. We are faced with a few things that we were really not expecting but nothing that we can't handle. We are working on everything now but we should be starting very soon! The child, unfortunately, will not biologically be mine or Jason's. Or at least that is what we have planned for now. Us using Jason's sperm seems to be nearly impossible right now due to all the FDA regulations and all the laws in Texas. The state of Texas protects surrogates way more than they do the actually parents. Therefor using Jason's sperm makes it all a little more complicated. I don't get it at all but that is just the way it is. We were hoping that we would be able to use his sperm but we also know that it is just in insignificant factor is all this. We have very high hopes for this working! We are extremely excited to get it going!!!!

I just wish I could shake a wand and make people understand the pain we go through. We don't just have pain on certain days or while we are going through treatments, it's every single day. It hurts. Infertility is the loss of a child that has never been. I don't expect any person that hasn't been through what we have to understand but I do ask for empathy. We try very hard to face certain situations but we can't always do it. We try really hard to do what we can and we realize that sometimes that isn't enough. We realize that we make wrong decisions about our everyday life but we also know that it is normal for what we are going through. It may not be the right thing to do but it is normal. We tend to miss a lot, which we always regret but the heartache is sometimes too much for that certain day. We don't want to miss birthdays or holidays but sometimes it just feels like too much. We are seeing a therapist to help us handle situations better and hopefully it helps. We want to be able to handle everyday situations better and she is helping us realize why we do the things we do or why we don't do the things we should. Hopefully no matter what happens we will better ourselves in way that helps us with the people around us. Gage is learning to handle things differently too, which is such a great thing to see in him. We love each and every single person that is in our lives and don't want to hurt anyone. Hopefully this will help.